The Communications Decency Sketch

[for Monty Python fans]

by Dave Rogers

The "Exxon bill," also known as the "Communications Decency Act," is the
piece of legislation intended to regulate and criminalise certain activities
on the internet which were deemed to be "lewd" or "lascivious" or in other
ways naughty. And despite the awfulness of the law, here's a lovely bit of
filth... uhm, no, not filth.... errr... a lovely bit of satire about it. And
maybe even a bit of dramatic irony!

[From: Sir Dave of Rogers]
[Subject: The Exxon Bill and You]

Hello again, now here's a sketch by a lad from Bolton^h^h^h^h^h^h Ipswich.
He's been posting for a year and he's called this little number - here it
is, it's called the Exxon-Gorton Communications Decency Bill sketch.

(Film clip of women's institute applauding. A couple
are seated at terminals in a computer room.)

Lady (Bonni): It's nice here, isn't it?
Man (Any one of the International Regiment of Davids): Oh, very good
feed, 500kbit/s you know.
Bonni: Really?
Dave: Mmm...
Sysadmin: Good morning, users! And may I say what a pleasure it is to
monitor your e-mail, ooh what a giveaway!
Dave: Good morning. Oh, by the way - saw a bit of a dirty picture - on
alt.binaries.pictures.pornography.dont.show.your.kids, could you
. . . er . . . control access to it?
Sysadmin: I beg your pardon?
Dave: Oh, it's nothing . . . er, just a topless picture. Could you show
me how to killfile it? Thank you.
Sysadmin: Oh . . . sir, I do apologise.
Dave: Oh, no need to apologise, it doesn't offend me deeply.
Sysadmin: Oh no, no, no, I do apologise. I will fetch Senator Luxury-
Yacht immediately.
Dave: Oh, there's no need to do that!
Waiter: Oh, no no . . . I'm sure the Senator will want to apologise to
you himself. I will fetch him here at once.
Bonni: Well, you certainly get good technical support here.
Dave: They really look after you . . . yes.
Senator: Excuse me sir and madam. [examines the JPEG] It's filthy,
Kevin . . . find out who posted this, and terminate his user
account immediately.
Dave: Oh no, no.
Senator: Better still, we can't afford to take any chances, prosecute
the service provider.
Dave: No, look I don't want to make any trouble.
Senator: Oh, no, please, no trouble. It's quite right that you should
point these kind of things out. Kevin, tell the Speaker what
has happened immediately! [sysadmin runs off]
Dave: Oh, no, I don't want to cause any fuss.
Senator: Please, it's no fuss. I quite simply want to ensure that no
pictures of naked ladies cause you severe and irremediable
psychological damage.
Dave: Oh I'm sure it won't, it was only a pair of tits.
Senator: I know. And I'm disgusted, totally disgusted. No
legal action, no matter how expensive, can alter the fact that
on our Internet you have found a dirty, filthy, pornographic
image . . .
Dave: It wasn't pornographic!
Senator: It was pornographic, and obscene and disgusting and I hate it,
I hate it . . . nasty, dirty, grubby, disgusting human bodies.
Oh . . . oh . . . oh . . . [runs off in a passion as a newt
comes to the table]
Newt: Good morning sir, good morning madam. I am a newt, but I'm
getting better. I've only just heard . . . may I sit down?
Dave: Well, so long as you dont get the seat all slimy.
Newt: I want to apologise, humbly, deeply, and sincerely about the
picture.
Dave: Oh please, it's only a 10kbyte JPEG . . . I could hardly see it.
Newt: Oh you're good kind fine people, for saying that, but *I* can see
it . . . to me it's like two mountains, two vast bowls of pus.
Dave: She's not that bad.
Newt: It gets me *here*. I can't give you any excuse for it - there
*are* no excuses. I've been meaning to crack down on the Internet
recently, but I've been so busy . . . budgets to cut, unfunded
mandates to repeal . . . the American people have been through so
much recently, but they're good people, they're moral people,
they're decent people, and together we were beginning to wipe out
this kind of filth . . . there was light at the end of the tunnel
. . . and now this . . . now this . . .
Dave: Can I get you a Jolt Cola?
Newt: [in tears] It's the end of the First Amendment!

[Sir Darkwolf comes in carrying a big meat cleaver]

DW: You bastards! You vicious, heartless bastards! Look what you've
done to the Internet! People work their fingers to the bone to
write the FAQ file, and you log in with your petty feeble stupid
complaints and you grind it into the dirt, this fine, honourable
communications medium whose URLs you are not worthy to access.
Oh . . . it makes me mad . . . mad! [slams cleaver into keyboard]

[The sysadmin comes in and tries to restrain him]

Sysadmin: Easy, Darkwolf, easy . . . [clutches the terminal in agony]
The system's crashed! the system . . . the system . . .
Newt: This is the end! The end! Aargh! [passes a global Internet
censorship bill through Congress] [1]
DW: He's destroyed the Internet! It's dead! He killed it! [goes
completely mad]
Bonni: Darkwolf! *Never kill a newbie!* [all fight madly over the
terminal]

Caption: AND NOW THE PUNCHLINE

Bonni: Good job I didn't show them my home page!

[1] Some amateur dramatic societies may find this stage direction a
little difficult to execute.